When You Can't Sleep At Night
by Starkid-Hope
Summary: When Sydney had Austin, things were perfect. And then, one stupid mistake sends their future reeling. Austin Carlile/OC. One-shot


Never in a million years did I think that I'd ever see him again. I figured we'd never cross paths, and we'd both be able to just move on with our lives.

But seeing him now, through the window of a small café, breaks my heart all over again. He's just sitting there, all alone. His once shining chocolate-brown eyes now just look tired and dull. I can't help but wonder if I did that, or just all of the touring.

Suddenly, he's looking through the window and I freeze like a deer in headlights. His eyebrows furrow for a second as he wonders to himself if it's actually me, but then his eyes grow wide and he leaps up out of his seat. He walks quickly to the door, abandoning his jacket and his can of Monster.

I take off down the street, walking as fast as I can. I have to get out of there. I can't face him, not just yet. Or maybe not ever.

But his legs are longer than mine and within seconds, he's in front of me, begging me to stop with tears in his eyes.

"Sydney? Oh, my God, Syd."

"Hey, Austin," I whisper, trying my hardest to swallow the lump in my throat and fight the tears threatening at the corners of my eyes.

"Wh-What are you doing here?" Austin splutters, his eyes wide. I can see the hope gleaming in them and I feel guilty, knowing I can only offer disappointment.

"Nothing," I breathe. "Just let me go. Please . . ."

"No." Austin snatches my hand up with his long fingers as I try and get away. He pulls me into his chest and kisses the top of my head. "I'm never letting you go again."

And that's when we both finally break down, crying into each other's embrace.

_I couldn't help but stare. He just looked so beautiful. His soft eyes traced the ceiling as he layed beside me, sweat causing his hair to stick up in every direction._

_"Like what you see?" he asked without looking at me, startling me back into reality._

_I blushed slightly and bit my lip. "Oh yeah. Definitely."_

_Austin smirked and turned to me. He pulled the blanket away from me, exposing me to the cool air of the room. He placed small, open-mouthed kisses on my belly, his breath tickling my skin. Austin's eyes met mine, shining with amusement. I blushed deeply and looked away._

_I heard Austin laugh and I turned my gaze back to him, confused._

_"We just had sex, and yet you still blush when I see you naked?" He laughed again and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. "You're so weird. But that's why I love you."_

_Austin tried to push away, but I grabbed him and pulled him back down, giving him a chaste kiss. "I love you, too," I whispered against his lips._

It was a while before we broke apart, wiping each other's tears away. Austin shivering is what snapped me back into reality. Chicago gets _really _cold in the winter and stays really cold until, if you're lucky, April. It was just barely nearing March and here Austin was in a thin Slipknot tee, the sleeves cut off, exposing his arms to the cold.

"C'mon," I say, "Let's get you back inside, someplace warm."

We head inside and sit down at the table he was sitting at before. He quickly puts his coat on as I order both of us hot cocoa.

"What are you doing here?" I'm the one to break the awkward silence that settles between us after the barista sets down the two steaming mugs.

His eyes flash to mine and I see that twinkle of hope again. Guilt instantly flushes through me and I have to look away, at anything else, just not at him. "I don't know. Just felt like going someplace different to visit during downtime."

I know this is a lie. He came to see me.

"H-how is everyone? Alan . . . Shay . . . ?" My voice cracks and it doesn't go unnoticed. Austin looks close to tears again when I look up and that's when I remember. "Oh, shit. Shayley . . . I'm so, so sorry, Austin. I heard. I just . . . Fuck, it totally slipped my mind."

"Hey, don't beat yourself up about it. It's fine." I always hated it when Austin did this. When he got all quiet and reassuring when I made a stupid mistake.

"No, Austin, it's not. I-"

"Syd. You're not with us twenty-four-seven like you used to be. I'm sure you don't worry about us as much as you used to. I'm sure it's easy for things like that to slip your mind."

But that's not how it was at all. I should've remembered. In fact, this is the only time since it was announced that I forgot Shayley left. And now that I wasn't touring with the guys anymore, I was more worried about them than ever before.

Sometimes, I would lie awake at night wondering if they were at a party on some other band's bus getting absolutely shitfaced. And, for a split second, I would groan thinking that I would have to deal with the hangover the next morning. But my heart would always break when I remembered that I didn't have to.

Truth of the matter was, I've never stopped thinking about them. They're constantly on my mind. They were my family when I was thousands of miles away from mine. Even when I wasn't, I loved them all too deeply to just walk away without a broken heart.

"I just . . . I hate that we couldn't help him, ya know? But at least he'll be happier now. I guess that's all that matters in the end, right?" Austin's voice is low and strained, and I know that he's trying so hard not to break down again.

"Hey," I scold him lightly, taking his hand in my own. "It's not your fault. Shay had to do what he had to do. And you all agreed it was best for the band if he left. God, I used to hate when you'd blame yourself for everything bad."

Austin's eyebrows furrow and he frowns slightly. "I didn't do that!"

I snorted. "Oh, yeah you did."

_"Are you sure? Like, one hundred percent certain?" His voice was strained and desperate and I could tell he was trying his hardest to not completely flip out._

_I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I haven't had my period, and it's been nearly two months. I'm never late, either. Uh, yeah. I'm sure."_

_"Oh, God," he moaned. He sat down, rubbing his face as if trying to wipe this all away in his head._

_Tears started to form in my eyes. I'd always wanted to have kids. I'd always wanted to get married, have a family, get a dog, live someplace nice. Sure, now wasn't the ideal time. But I loved Austin. I'd dreamed about us getting married and starting our family. I loved the idea of growing old with him. And I'd thought he did, too. But seeing him like that . . . It got me scared._

_"I'm so sorry, Sydney," Austin breathed, uncovering his face to look me in the eyes. "I should've been more careful. I should've-"_

_"Do NOT start that shit with me, Carlile," I scolded, using his last name for emphasis, as he knew that when I did, it meant I was really annoyed with him. "As many would agree, it takes two to tango. This is as much my fault as it is yours."_

_"What do we do? Where do we go from here?"_

_To be honest, I didn't have an answer to Austin's questions. I had no fucking idea. Part of me wished that it wasn't really happening and it was just a messed up dream and I would wake up at anytime. But the other part of me, the larger part, I would have to admit, was happy that this was happening. I loved Austin, more than words could ever describe. Maybe this child would be the best thing that ever happened to us._

_"You tell me, Austin."_

_Suddenly, Austin looked up at me, his eyes wide. He got up off the couch and strided over to me, holding my face between his hands, his forehead resting on mine so he was looking straight into my eyes._

_"I love you, Sydney, more than I ever thought was possible. And it kind of scares me at times. But . . . This baby of ours has showed me that I want to wake up to your beautiful face every morning for the rest of my life. I want to fall asleep to your kisses. I want you to be the last thing I see before I finally keel over."_

_I laughed through the tears that streamed down my face as Austin pulled me into him. "Marry me?" he asked, his words muffled by my hair that he had his face buried in._

_"Okay."_

_But nothing turned out alright._

_That night was rainy and gross and depressing and I really feel like I should've seen it coming._

_I had been feeling weird all morning. But I didn't let it bother me, because Austin was taking time off of his hectic schedule just to be with me, even when I would see him in a few weeks._

_So, I ignored all the bad signs and got ready for the day._

_It wasn't until we were sitting on the couch flipping through a baby name book that I started to feel too uncomfortable. But I still just shrugged it off because I was with Austin and everything was perfect._

_"I really like the name Austin, if it's a boy," Austin commented, a smirk on his face._

_I laughed and punched his shoulder lightly. "You're so full of yourself." I flipped the page back one, as Austin had flipped right to the page with his name on it. "I really like the name Alexander. We could call him Xander, like from Buffy the Vampire Slayer."_

_Austin rolled his eyes, but laughed. "If you want to name our child after a character from that show, we should just name him Spike. That way people think that he's a tough, bad-ass vampire, instead of a wimp like Xander."_

_My eyes grew wide as a thought flitted through my head. "His name can be Alexander William, after Xander and Spike. Ya know, because Spike's real name was William."_

_Austin chuckled and kissed the top of my head. "Okay."_

_"And if the baby's a girl, we can name her-"_

_And that's when it really started hurting._

_Austin's eyebrows furrowed and his eyes widened. "Syd? Sydney, are you okay? Jesus Christ, Sydney you're . . . you're bleeding."_

_Nothing seemed to matter anymore. _

_I knew what had happened before the doctor came into the room. I'm not stupid. I've read about miscarraiges and stuff. I know that it happens sometimes, your body doesn't recognize the life form growing inside of it. But I never thought it would happen. I never gave it much thought because in my little world, everything was fine. Everything would always be fine._

_But it wasn't._

_I knew that I could've stopped it. I could've made sure that the baby was fine when I started feeling uncomfortable earlier that day. But I didn't._

_Austin didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to have his heart broken like this. It was all my fault. He didn't deserve to be stuck with me. He was too good for me._

_So, the first moment I could, I ran._

We talk for hours. About the band, how everything is, just little nothings. At one point, we get really quiet and I get scared for a moment that he's going to bring up what happened. And while I'm finally able to talk about it with my mother, I know that if I were to talk about it with him, I would break irreparably. But he just laughs and tells the story of how we met, in this very café and while it's still painful to talk about our past, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

But just when I think I'm safe, he breaks it all down.

"Why'd you leave?" he asks, his voice barely a whisper.

My eyes immediately well up with tears and I'm left fighting them back down, though it's a losing battle. "I had to," I answer as tears make their way down my cheeks.

Austin chuckles, but without any humour. "I'm sorry, but that's a bunch of shit, Syd."

"Oh, really? Fine. What do you want me to say, Austin?" My voice is filled with hurt and the tears cascade like a waterfall down my face. "We were going to have a baby, Austin! We were so happy, you especially. And then . . . What was I supposed to do? The baby was the thing that brought us together like that. What if you didn't want me after . . ."

I know I'm making a scene, but I don't care. I need Austin to know.

There's a fresh wave of hurt in his eyes. "You know, it really hurts that you think that the baby was the only reason I stuck around with you, Sydney. 'Cause that's _so_ not how it was. I loved you, I just didn't realize it until you got pregnant. I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear before you walked out on me for no reason."

Oh, that's a low blow and he knows it. But it effectively replaces my hurt with anger. "You know what Austin? Fuck you. You try losing a child while it's inside of you. See how that makes you feel! Let me see you put up with the guilt, knowing that it's your fault your baby is gone! And then, think about the fact that that baby that you loved so much but is now gone is the only reason your fiancé is your fiancé and see what kind of conclusions you jump to."

I grab my bag and my coat and stand up. "This was a bad idea. I have to go." I look at Austin and give him a weak smile. "I hope you have a nice life, I really do."

I'm almost at the door when Austin's voice stops me.

"I still have the ring."

I turn back to him, my eyes wide. "What?"

Austin gives me a melancholy smile and holds up a velvet box. "I never stopped thinking about you. Not once. I would lie awake at night, wishing I could have stopped you from walking out. And I carried this around with me everywhere I'd go, just in case I saw you again. That way I could just put it on your finger and whisk you away someplace where no one would ever think of, and it could just be the two of us."

Austin starts making his way over to me. I can feel the eyes of all the people in the little restaurant on us.

"I love you, Sydney. I always will. Sure, I was heartbroken that night. I was so excited because I was starting a family with you and it was all I could ever hope for. But when you didn't stay. When you ran I . . . I thought you didn't love me.

"I know that's crazy. If you hadn't loved me, you wouldn't have told me about our baby. You would've just ran off. So I know you did then. And if you loved me as much as I did back then, then you love me more now. Because that's how I am. We love the same way, Syd."

He's reached me now. And he's holding my hand in his.

"I know that this is crazy. Our past, present, and future is crazy. Everything is just fucking crazy. But i just . . . I want to be crazy with you. Forever."

He takes the ring out and pushes it onto my finger.

"This looks really good on you, you know," he says, a smirk on his face.

I nod and bite my lower lip. "Thank God for that. 'Cause I can never take it off now."

I get on my tiptoes and kiss him gently. I smile into the kiss as he deepens it, knowing that it'll all be okay. Sure, it might be rough sometimes, but you just have to push on. It gets better. It really does.

"Be careful, Alan. Please."

I'm pleading with him as he sits at the top of the slide, my daughter in his lap.

"Relax, Syd. She's fine. She's excited. Aren't you excited, Belle?" I hear a coo and I know it's her answering him. "Ya hear that? She's fine!"

And, without warning, Alan slides down the slide, Belle and him laughing the whole way down.

"Just, come on," I groan, rolling my eyes.

"C'mon, Princess Belle," I hear Alan say behind me as he sets her on the ground and holds her hand, helping her walk.

If anyone asks, it was just a mere coincidence that my daughter's name was Belle, like from Beauty and the Beast. No, I did not give into my husband's constant begging that she be named after his favorite Disney princess. Not at all.

I grin as I see Austin running toward us. I hold onto Belle's other hand and we walk toward Austin, who is almost to us.

When he reaches us, he instantly snatches up Belle, kissing her cheeks over and over again.

"Sorry about that, baby. Daddy would've loved to play with you, but he had to finish up some work in the studio." Austin smiles a weak smile and glances at me. I frown and put my hands on my hips in a scolding way. Austin sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Daddy knows he promised Mommy he would play with Belle, but Uncle Phil was extremely S-T-O-N-E-D."

I turn and look at Alan as I hear him groan. "C'mon Daddy, you know Uncle Alan hates it when you spell words out."

I giggle and walk over to Austin, pressing my lips to his. "It's okay. Mommy forgives Daddy."

Austin nods and kisses me back. "And Daddy will make it up to Mommy later when everyone's asleep," he says, his voice low and husky.

I giggle again as I hear Alan groan. Placing my hand in Austin's free one, all four of us walk towards the studio, Alan complaining the whole way how he'll never get any sleep.


End file.
